A Year in Review: 2018

We didn't send out a Christmas letter this year, but I still wanted to look back at the year we've had and share it will all of you!

Jordan successfully completed his intern year at SAMMC and is halfway through his second year of residency as an OBGYN. He delivered lots of babies, most recently a breech baby, and has been the primary on several Cesarean deliveries.  He submitted research for two conferences and was accepted to both: one in Hawaii and one in Las Vegas. At work Jordan is known for his good music choices and also his dad jokes. He goes by DJ Sugga (Sugar without the R) and Dad Jokes. He's also really good at external cephalic versions (turning babies inside the uterus who are positioned bottoms-up to a heads-up position for delivery).

As for me (Kayla) I did just what I planned and went back to school to finish my Bachelor degree in Nursing (BSN). My program is completely online through Schreiner University. I started in March and will finish June 2019! I'm almost there! Online school has been such a blessing, as it has allowed me to still be able to be at home with the kids this year and have flexibility during holidays and vacations. For example, I took a weekend trip with my friend Amanda to help her with Pinner's Conference in Dallas! We sure know how to have fun! Besides school, I've managed to work out all year and have really gotten into weight-lifting! 

Olivia finished swim lessons, switched from dance to gymnastics this year, turned 6 years old, and started 1st grade. She is artistically creative and gifted academically. She has taken off with reading and is busting through chapter books. She's lost A LOT of teeth this year and we all loved singing "All I Want for Christmas are my Two Front Teeth" to her. She has a fantastic sense of humor, a love or rock and roll with plans to start a family band one day, and pretty much thinks every day is the best day ever. She enjoys playing with makeup and creating makeup tutorial videos on her new camera, inventing new games, and spending time with her family. What would we do without our sunny, sassy, silly Olivia?

Romney has had a wonderful year! He turned 2 just recently in November. He still adores his blue blanket and we often think of him as Linus from Charlie Brown. He LOVES trains and yells "train!" every time he hears the train horn blow (we live close to a train track). We joke that he wakes up in the middle of the night to the sound of a train, sits up and says "train" then goes back to sleep. Romney really loves to mess with his sister, but he also loves to play with her. He often takes her toys and runs off with them and has become quite the mischief-maker. He has really taken off with his speech and I can mostly understand what he says. He is obsessed with the PJ Mask show and says "Owlette, Gecko, and Cat Boy" 100 times a day (although Cat Boy is hard for him to say and is often indistinguishable). He enjoys watching the garbage truck and recycling truck come and waves at them every time. He loves fire trucks, and we're pretty sure he thinks Santa comes around on a fire truck and not a sleigh, ever since we had breakfast with Santa at the Fire Department. He's also a big fan of Mickey Mouse. His favorite foods are pizza, popcorn, and ice cream. If you've noticed, we've had to patch his eye due to having an eye that deviates outward. We're about to enter a whole new big boy stage next week when I attempt to potty train him! He is independent, happy, polite, sometimes mean to his sister, a cuddler, and overall a true delight.  

As for trips, we have been blessed to go to Utah twice! We did a mini family/friend camping trip, went to the Rodeo and Sea World. Hosted our friends the Bean family for a night, and I took the kids by myself on a trip to Spokane to visit my sister's family. Jordan and I went on lots of dates and saw Thirty Seconds to Mars in concert and Wicked!

It truly has been a marvelous year for us and the blessings have just flowed. There have been adventures and challenges and memories made. There have been sad days and hard days and joyous days and silly days. Oscar Wilde said, "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people just exist." I hope this post shows that our family is and intends to keep on living life to the fullest. We must experience the good with the bad, love and loss, and enjoy the pleasures of the world. God is good. He lives, and he has made it possible for us to live on this earth with our families and friends. I am forever grateful for Christ's birth and his sacrifice so we can return to live with Him again.

Miscellaneous photos from the year: 

The Practice of Yoga and the Process of Repentance

This past month I participated and completed a 30-day yoga challenge on YouTube. I decided to do this challenge because I was burnt out at the gym and needed a change of pace, one that would help me focus my mind, strengthen my body, and give me joy while working out. My short, but recurring practice of yoga was just what I needed and helped to rejuvenate me in many ways. Yoga taught me many things about the mind, body, and spirit. I learned that yoga can be a powerful method of change, and by the end of my 30-day practice, it became something I desired to have in my life every day. One of the most important parts of yoga is breathing. I want to share this quote with you about asana breathing:  

“Most of us are enmeshed in our busy lives, too stiff and fixed mentally and physically for only deep breathing to have any positive effect. This is where asana comes in. The physical movement of the asansa breaks this stiffness and makes us more flexible, which allows for the flow of energy through the entire body. Each physical movement in the asana is intended for the purpose of supporting the movement of energy through the body. One can practice as many yoga poses as they like. But if deep breathing isn’t taking place, the practice will not benefit the body. Breathing is what causes the movement of energy and what helps the body relax. An already-stiff body that tries to shape itself into different poses will only injure itself. But when we breathe deeply, we can open ourselves to feel more emotion, as well as be more in tune with what’s happening in our bodies. Breathing deeply in yoga can actually help you avoid injury.” Ron McDiarmid

For me, yoga combines all aspects of health: mind, body, spirit. People experience heavy emotional moments while practicing, or find a release of stress and tension. I truly believe our physical body is connected to our spiritual essence and when we take care of one, we are helping the other.

Meditating is a common yoga practice, but it is also something we are asked to do when we read scriptures or ask a spiritual question. We are to meditate on what we want, or what we have just read or learned. I believe yoga practice can help us prepare us for deeper learning when we study the scriptures. Yoga teaches us the basics of how to meditate and focus. The above quote explains how important breathing is during yoga practice. Breathing doesn’t require thinking, but even when we are not thinking about breathing, our body continues to breathe unless we will our breathing to stop or we focus on our breathing. In yoga, our breathing helps us lengthen our bodies and tells us when we’re stretching too deeply, if our breathing suddenly becomes shorter. Breathing helps to protect our bodies, be in tune, and feel more emotion as McDiarmid says.

Similarily, the practice of yoga, is a lot like repentance. Consider the following quote from Russell M. Nelson, the prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints:

"Can we begin to see the breadth and depth of what the Lord is giving to us when he offers us the gift to repent? He invites us to change our mind, our knowledge, our spirit, even our breathing. For example when we repent we breathe with gratitude to God who lends us breathe from day to day and we desire to use that breath in serving him and his children. Repentance is a resplendent gift. It is a process never to be feared. It is a gift for us to receive with joy and to use, even embrace, day after day as we seek to become more like our Savior."

When we practice yoga, we are focused on our bodies and the wonders they are. We are thankful for what our bodies can do, and seeking for change in a gentle, but powerful way. Yoga should never be painful and it doesn’t matter how deeply we go into a stretch, only that we feel the stretch and feel the blood flowing. Our bodies are strengthened. Yoga doesn’t just serve ourselves, but it serves others as we set an intent at the beginning of our yoga practice, and at the end send loving thoughts out to the world from our mind, body, and spirit.   

Likewise, President Nelson suggests that when we partake in the repentance process that we are asked to changed our mind, knowledge, spirit, and even breathing. We are to give thanks for all we have to God. We are to focus on our breathing and the life that we have, and use that breathing to serve others. Throughout a yoga practice, you are often asked to check on your breathing, to confirm that it is not becoming too labored or to bring it back to steady breathing. It is the same when we feel the desire to repent. We must realign ourselves with what God wants for us and ask ourselves if there is anything out of line in our lives that is blocking us from our spiritual connection. Checking in on your spiritual breath is not a time to berate yourself for being unsteady or weak, but a time to embrace your weakness and allow God to step in to strengthen you. Let Him gently bring your breathing back to match His, so that you are one.

Like yoga, repentance, which is a positive change, should never be feared. While repentance can be uncomfortable and can stretch us in ways we didn’t know we could move spiritually, its effects are positive and lasting. The repentance process can bring on powerful emotions, but those emotions can give us a release of guilt when we have a change of heart and a desire to follow God’s commandments. 

Yoga and repentance are both recommended daily. As we strive to repent, we set an intention to change and do better, to learn and to grow, and to be an instrument in God’s hands, to help others and send good out to the world. Repentance, similar to yoga breathing, makes us more malleable to God’s will. With a focused heart, we are able to hear the promptings of the Holy Ghost more clearly. We are supported by the Spirit and strengthened, gaining a deeper knowledge of His desires for us.

If we are not repenting, then we cannot receive full assistance from the Spirit. We can continue keeping other covenants, but when we practice without the intent of repenting or only give half efforts, the practice does not benefit us. When we refuse to repent, we open ourselves up to spiritual injury. Yoga and repentance both ask us to put our best self forward every day. Both practices affect those around us, although those effects are not always visible. Please understand that when you are participating in repentance, that others will notice the changes taking place in you and you will be more able to give of yourself and willing to make the world a better place. One large difference between yoga and repentance is that yoga is not a requirement for our salvation, whereas repentance is. Yoga can be related to repentance, but it does not bring us the peace that only Christ can give us when we follow Him, for His peace his everlasting. 

John 14:27 says “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” 

After my 30-day yoga challenge, I have decided that what I desire most, is to obtain the peace that Christ will give me if I repent and follow his commandments. I’m going to continue with my yoga practice, because it brings me joy, but I’m also going to commit myself to becoming a better follower of Christ and check my spiritual breath often, so that I can stretch deeper and move in all the ways God has in store for me. Namaste and God's peace be with you." 

Mom-ing Alone

It has been a while! I can pretty much trace back when I stopped blogging to when I started school this last year. It is sooooo hard keeping up on documenting our life when we are in the thick of it. Summer flew by, despite Jordan being on night shifts for the majority of it. I took the kids to visit our family in Spokane right before school started, and we had a blast. School is going well for me. I've been able to successfully keep up and maintain good grades, while making sure the kids and the house get taken care of as well. It is no easy task, but I'm so glad I went back to school. Lately, school hasn't been enough stimulation for my mind and I feel certain that going back to work this next year is my next big step. I feel that God knows what I need in my life and that He has felt my longing to learn more in my career and to get out and start helping people. I can't wait to see where I'll end up this time next year.

Today  I took the kids to the Zoo by myself so that Jordan could get some sleep after working a 24 hour shift. I took a ton of photos at the zoo and posted them on Instagram, but it got me thinking about how far I've come in my confidence and comfort. I used to only like going out if I knew a friend could join us. Having only kids to talk to all day, I relished being able to talk with other adults and moms who could relate. Now that Jordan is gone so much more, I'm finding that I have to step even more out of my comfort zone and do other things on my own, like car maintenance, yard maintenance, holidays, and other outings. Sometimes I still find that I'm a little scared to navigate things on my own, but I genuinely enjoy spending time with my kids and learning how to do new things. Going to the zoo isn't that hard, but when I was a younger mom, just the thought of going alone somewhere filled me with dread. I didn't want to spend all day with just kids. I didn't want to have to figure out where to park and the logistics of it all. I felt alone.

Now, I don't feel alone. I have learned from other women how to just go and be happy. I have learned to try new things with the kids, even when Jordan can't go, because it brings fun new experiences and memories, and knowledge that I CAN DO THIS. I can keep "mom-ing" even when Jordan isn't around because I'm an intelligent, creative, motivated, and loving woman. I deserve to have experiences. So, instead of moaning that I have no one to go with to the zoo, I've learned to take pleasure in the fact that I have my kids to go with. They say and do funny things and point things out that I may have never noticed without them. They bring joy to the days when I'm sad Jordan isn't around. I'm not saying that all I need are my kids. I definitely NEED and crave adult interaction, but this last year being a stay-at-home-mom has taught me so much about being with my kids.

To all those women whose husbands are never around and feel alone, I would say, just get out and go do something. Talk to the people around you. Make friends with the women at the gym, or park, or your church, or even at the grocery store. Find a MOPS group or create a playgroup. Above all though, find the joy in parenting alone. Find the joy in getting to be the one that gets to be around. Think of how lucky your children are that they have someone who is there for them. There is so much happiness in getting to make memories with your kids. The best way to find this comfort and happiness in "mom-ing" alone, is to accept it, realize that you can't control the things around you, but you can make the best out of what seems like a crappy situation. Having to go everywhere without your husband sucks 100%! I constantly think about how sad Jordan must be feeling to always miss out on our fun adventures. I miss him when he's not with us and I miss not having him around as a second pair of hands. I've learned to ask people for help.

Often times, people look at me and I can tell they want to help, but don't know what to do when my toddler is running one direction and my super helpful 6 year old can't keep up. I look at them and just say, "Hey, can you help me grab my kid?!" They normally jump right in, once I've expressed that I can't handle it all on my own. Thank goodness for villages. So, all you moms who struggle with being alone: find your Mom Tribe and make everyone around you apart of your village. Make a plan about where you're going to go when you're alone with the kids. If your plans go south and you find yourself stuck at home, just try to relax as much as you can and don't sweat it. Let the kids watch as much TV as they want. Get a pizza or order Chinese food. "Mom-ing" alone is hard, so don't worry about feeding your kids an amazing dinner or constantly getting out with them.

Just learn from your experiences and be more happy in the moment. I think I'm starting to understand that. I'm still on the surface of being happy in the moment. I'm still working on it, but it's coming. I'm learning to not let things bother me that I can't control. I'm learning to be happy because it makes me feel better than being sad or upset. I'm learning that it's ok to move on from negative feelings without a complete resolution. Sometimes leaving negative feelings behind in the dust is the most freeing thing you can do. Not everything needs to be resolved and not everything needs to be addressed right away. I'm not saying you should ignore your feelings, but sometimes it is ok to just let them go. Just move on and enjoy the experience. 

It's crazy for me to look back at the mom I used to be and the mom I've become, and I'm genuinely grateful for this last year and the experiences that have made me grow into a more independent, confident, and better mom. I no longer feel like I'm going back to work next year so that I can escape my kids. In fact, I'm a little scared to leave my kids for work. I'm choosing to go back to work though, because it's time for me to learn some new things. I'll get to learn how to be a full-time nurse, and a mom, and a wife, and I'm so excited for this next phase. I'm so thankful for a husband who supports my dreams and goals 110%! I am so lucky! I am also extremely lucky to be the mom of my two kiddos who teach me so much. I'm not perfect. No where near it, but they make me a little better every day, and I'm so glad I can recognize that and appreciate what my kids do for me.

Above all, we all have moments where we feel like we're doing something alone or don't feel supported. That's ok. Feel it. Experience it. Then figure out how you can feel more supported and less lonely. Denying yourself the experience of feeling alone, makes it so that you can't help the person next to you who may be feeling alone. You can more easily recognize what someone else needs, when you've experienced it yourself. "Mom-ing" alone has sure taught me a lot, but I think the most important teaching it's brought into my life, is how to love myself and love my kids. It's forced me to think about their happiness and to be happy for them, and that has made me realize that I really do want to be happy. I don't need someone else to be happy. But I'm pretty blessed by all the people that surround me and do love me and make me happy.

Look around mama. You've got this. There is a village and a tribe waiting to support you. There are places to go and things to learn, and Little Adventurers by your side waiting to see the world you show them. Discover together, learn together, grow together, and love together. All you have to do, is step out into the world. It's waiting.

 

Just a quick update...

If you didn't know, I am back in school getting my Bachelor's Degree in Nursing and because of that, a lot of things have been falling through the cracks: clean house, clean kids, my social life, blogging....This last week I had a week off from school before my next 7-week session starts. It was a great break and I got a lot of friend time in as well as family time and some much-needed cleaning. It's hard to adjust to being back in school, but my expectations for myself are slowly shifting and I'm loving being back in school. Doing something for me has been the best medicine and I feel so much more confident and loving towards myself. I'm trying to use some of my positive coping mechanisms to keep my anxiety at bay when I feel like I've got too much going on. Working out and reading really help me feel like I'm doing something good for myself and it helps me get through my days. I feel like I'm starting to get a routine down and the best part is that I'm only taking one class for the next seven weeks (which is a good thing because I have A LOT of stuff going on the next couple of months).

Lately, Jordan and I have really been trying to do more as a family. The weather is so nice and we try to get out in it, whether it's going to a park or going to the drive-in, we're making time for family time. The rotation he is on right now has been pretty nice, and if the first week is any indication, we'll be enjoying the next two months a little more. It's nice to feel like we're getting a bit of a breather because this whole year has been so hard. People aren't kidding when they say residency is freaking hard. I say amen to that! Jordan thinks this year has gone by really fast, but I'm over here, like, are you kidding me?!!! This has been the longest, hardest year of my life! But we're surviving now and I'm finally feeling like we can manage this whole residency thing. It's nice that we'll have a better idea of what's to come and I know Heavenly Father has been helping us through the tough times. I would be remiss to leave out thanking Him for what he has done for my family and also for me. 

The decision to go back to school kind of came out of nowhere. I was thinking that I wanted to go back to school at some point, but I wasn't sure when. I had been staying at home with the kids this last year and I got to the point where I was just feeling really disconnected with myself. I went to a Relief Society church Christmas party and started talking to one of the ladies there. As I was talking to her, she brought up the fact that she is a teacher at a community college. Talking to her lit a spark in me and after I left that night, I knew I wanted and needed to go back to school. A few months later and here I am acing my courses and feeling amazing. It was all in God's hands. He knew when it would be right for me to go back and let the details fall into my lap. All I had to do was look up and thank him. 

I've really been trying to improve my relationship with Him lately. My "thank yous" are more sincere and heartfelt. I can feel Him in my life again. We have a relationship again, and I'm so thankful to know He is there and cares about me. He's giving me the strength to do all these things, and to show love to my family, and to show love to others. My cup is filling up again and I'm getting to the point where I can share it with others.

Whooooo. Well that was therapeutic. Now, on to a less serious note, is it just me, or is EVERYBODY running these days? I looked on Facebook today and sooooo many of my friends were running 5Ks and marathons, and I'm over here like, look at me, I'm on the elliptical! I'm freakin' Rocky! Haha, I'm kind of jealous though because I found out I have bursitis in my hip, which makes it really painful to run. Although I secretly am glad to have an excuse to not run, it makes me feel kind of sad that I can't run right now. Bursitis is inflammation in the fluid sac that cushions your joints. I'm lucky because I can still do strength-training and weightlifting, but any leg-jarring motions really bother me. Even walking up the stairs or carrying Romney on my hip can aggravate it, so it pretty much stinks. Anyway, good job all my running friends! You're awesome!

I'll be starting my next 7 weeks of classes tomorrow, so you probably shouldn't expect a blog update until then, but if you're reading this, thank you for keeping up with our family, and thanks for your support! Only a couple more months and we'll be into year 2 of residency and sooner than you know it, I'll be done with school again and off to the next adventure. My goal right now is to take time to stop and smell the roses and to truly be grateful for what I have right now. Jordan and I see all our friends going on amazing trips and we wish that were us, but then I think about all I have and how blessed we are and it really puts everything into perspective. We'll get our break one day, and for now we just need to enjoy life right where we are.