I Don't Want to be a Martyr! My thoughts on breastfeeding.

I didn't ask for this, but I don't want to die for my cause. I've been struggling with breastfeeding my son Romney for almost 8 weeks now. He has a poor latch, even after a frenulectomy, where they snipped his upper lip frenulum. He's not tongue-tied, but I've been told by experts that he has a high palate, which makes it hard for him to get the proper stimulation to suck strongly. Some people told me that after the frenulectomy, feeding Romney would be a complete change and so much better...but my dreams, like a ship dashed against the rocks, was destroyed in a shocking, heartbreaking way. Feeding Romm hasn't gotten much better. Maybe seeing the lactation consultant was a little too late or maybe I would have never increased my milk supply anyway, but after trying Fenugreek, drinking tons of water, pumping seven times a day for twenty minutes, eating oatmeal, and cashews, I just can't seem to get my milk supply any higher than the measly ounce to two ounces that I get.

This is how my schedule looks right now: Feed Romney every 3 hours. Each feeding consists of breastfeeding Romm on each side for ten minutes with a nipple shield because he just can't latch on to my nipple, then I usually pump right after for twenty minutes while Jordan bottle feeds Romney a 3-4 oz bottle of pumped breastmilk and a topoff of formula if I don't pump enough breastmilk to satisfy him. If Jordan isn't around, then I have to choose if I'm going to try to pump while I bottle feed Romney, or if I'm going to separate the two tasks (both HAVE to be done). I've looked into the Medela supplemental nutrition system, which would allow me to give Romney his supplemental feeding while I nurse him, but the system is $45 just for a little plastic bottle with some tubes attached. 

I was so lucky that Jordan had so much time off from work to help me deal with all of this. He takes care of our 4 year old daughter and feeds Romney and does diaper changes and dishes and everything else, all so I can continue to feed Romney breastmilk, but I have to wonder, with Jordan's imminent return to work fast approaching, IS IT WORTH IT? 

I spend more than seven hours a day fighting to feed Romney breastmilk because I was determined that THIS TIME around I would not be thwarted like I was with Olivia. Yes, sure, Olivia has turned into a lovely child and I only breastfed her for three months (we had similar challenges). I have exhausted all of my resources, and put so much time and effort into this, but is it worth it?...Or am I needlessly choosing to die as a martyr? 

I have read SO MANY articles about breastfeeding: many articles tell you that ONLY breastfeeding is best. A lot of articles tell you that using a nipple shield should only be TEMPORARY and not a long-term fix. Other articles tell you that exclusively pumping is problematic because you risk your supply going down and bottle-feeding breastmilk has many risks such as contaminated breastmilk and losing fat content and other nutrients. TONS of articles tell you that if you don't breastfeed, you won't get the bonding experience that is crucial to raising a baby in this day and age. 

ALL of these articles have left me wondering WHY? Why couldn't my breastfeeding experience be better? Why can't I increase my supply? Why couldn't the frenulectomy make everything better? At the end of the day I am left confused and wondering which direction I should turn and finding very little help along the way. I have tried EVERYTHING. It makes me infuriated and jealous when I read comments from would-be helpful mamas telling me to do ALL of the things I've already done and that soon I will be pumping glorious bottles filled to the brim with breastmilk or that if I just keep bringing Romney to the breast it will just magically click. 

I feel like a walking stigma: I use a nipple shield, I pump, and I formula feed my child. Why can't I do anything right? Why are there so many articles out there designed to shame women into thinking there is only one right way to feed a baby? Why isn't there more support? 

The thing is, I don't want to stop nursing my son. I love it that I can soothe him just by bringing him to my breast. It makes me feel like a have a special superpower. I love looking at his face and his little fists gripping my breast possessively as he feeds. This is our time and no one else's. If this is my superpower then I would say my kryptonite is time. It all just takes TOO MUCH TIME to feed him. I can't go on like this. While I love it...I also dread it. I have another child, a husband, pets, a home, and even myself, to think about. I can't be a martyr for the breastfeeding cause. 

I don't know what my next step will be, but I think it's going to have to be cutting out some of our nursing time to only a couple times a day. I tell myself that I should not feel bad about this. I don't need to mourn the loss of this time. I should be happy that we live in a time where formula is a great option and that I can still pump breastmilk for him, but I worry that my supply will go down, and then I will be left with just formula. Why should I worry about this? Haven't I tried my very best to do everything I could to give my son the best feeding experience? 

I don't want to be told by other mamas that my son will thank me for all I did, because that is a BIG FAT LIE! My child isn't going to grow up feeling superior because he was breastfed or because of all of our lovey-dovey eye contact through breastfeeding. He's going to thank me because I fed him plain and simple, I clothed him, and I provided a roof over his head and I loved him. He's never going to know how much effort I put into feeding him as an infant. Even if reads this, he will never understand what sacrifices I've made. He may even read this and wonder why I allowed myself to get so crazy over it. Why didn't I just gracefully turn to formula, quit nursing, and move on in the first place instead of pulling out my hair and crying my eyes out?

So again, I ask IS IT WORTH IT? I don't think it is. This thought probably makes me the most sad, because it makes me feel like I needlessly sacrificed for my son. It was all for naught. 

I don't know how long I'll be able to keep on pumping before I throw in the towel and just switch to formula. I don't want to have a defeatist attitude. I want to celebrate every step of raising my child. 

I want to celebrate the time we got to spend together breastfeeding. I want to celebrate the many ounces of milk I pumped for him, even if I could never make enough to have a giant stash in my freezer. I want to celebrate modern science and formula and thank Heavenly Father that there is another great way to feed my son besides breasts and my son won't die of starvation. I want to celebrate bottle feeding my son and the fact that we still get to bond through eye contact and touch. I can still sing to my son while I feed him and caress his face and hold his fingers. The bond isn't loss through the mode of feeding. 

My journey has been different from other women. It has been hard and time-consuming and I don't take it for granted. I am learning that the only right way to feed and raise my child, is the way I decide to do it. All those articles and would-be helpful mamas can just go jump in a lake. I don't need them to make me feel worse about what I'm doing. I can do that enough on my own. My plea to all you mothers out there is to be careful about advice that you give. Something that worked for you is not a cure-all. Every baby and every mom is different. Your experiences, while they may help, can also make other moms feel like utter crap. We all just need to support one another and leave the shaming aside. Offer helpful resources, give advice, but in the end, put your arm around your fellow sister in motherhood and smile and say, "You did good" no matter what she chooses. That's what I would want.