Livy I Love You

Lately Olivia has been really sensitive to any criticism I fling at her or any sharpness in my voice. I feel like I'm constantly making her cry, which frustrates me, then makes me feel guilty and mad because that wasn't my intention. Most of the time I'm sharp with her when I've told her something before and she forgets or I've asked her several times politely and then I snap at her. Crying is her default lately and it's been really hard on me. I want her to know I love her, but I also want her to learn to listen to me, and that sometimes I have to reprove her.

Today while in the van, I was feeling that same frustration due to her crying over what to me seems like nothing. I can see so badly that she wants to please and be good and I know she works so hard on reading and other things she struggles in. I spoke to her and told her that I loved her and I don't always know how best to handle my emotions or to show my love and that sometimes I have to tell her when she's doing something wrong. I told her that I never want to make her cry and that I'm still learning how to control my anger and my frustration and sometimes I get it wrong. The biggest thing I wanted her to know is that I still love her. I told her that even though sometimes I do bad things too, that it doesn't make me a bad person; I'm still a good person. I then proceeded to tell her that I know she's a good person and told her all of the amazing qualities that I noticed in her. I told her that because we're both still learning, that we shouldn't give up on one another. I told her that I would keep trying to be better, because she was worth it.

Olivia didn't say much through all of this and I didn't look back much at her as I was driving. The glimpses that I did get were of her little somber face, and then her falling asleep in the car. I think what I had said had lifted a weight off of her shoulders. I don't know if she'll remember what I said, but I'll remember, and I'll know why I keep trying to better myself as a mom, as a woman, and as a human being. I have to show Olivia that it's possible to change and to become kinder. I also hope she learns from my mistakes and doesn't beat up on herself so hard when she gets something wrong, but gets back up and tries again.

Later today, she was reading a Dr. Seuss book and read almost the entire thing by herself before getting too tired. I was so impressed by how she sounded out each word, some words she picked up immediately (even some of the longer ones). I made sure to give her lots of praise and encouragement as she worked through it. Reading is such a gift and I know what an escape it can be. It can open your mind to new worlds and even inspire you to create worlds of your own. I want Olivia to feel that same transportation that I feel when I read. She's not a quitter. She works hard. She loves with all her heart. I'm learning so much from her about myself, about how to challenge myself, and better myself. There is a selflessness in her that I don't know if I'll ever fully master, and she is not afraid to give her heart away. She is always ready to give hugs, write love notes, and tell you "I love you."

There are times when it's harder to be her mom and she really tries me, but when it's good, it's the most wonderful thing in the world, and that's what I work for: an endless amount of wonderful moments with her.

I don't pretend to be a perfect mom. I lose my temper more than I'd like to admit. I sometimes feel like running away, and I daydream about what life was like before kids. When reality reels me back in though, I'd be such a sad creature without them. I'm so glad Olivia is teaching me how to love. I didn't know I needed to be taught. I thought I had that all figured out, but she has a way of chipping at my frozen exterior and leaving me feeling more vulnerable and raw than I've ever felt. I've given my heart away, but I've never had someone take it in their hands and peel it open, even when I don't feel like opening up. It's like plucking a flower that hasn't bloomed and forcing the petals to open, and finding something inside that isn't quite ready, but you can see what it was meant to be. Olivia has a way of looking past all I do, and still being able to see that what I really meant to do was show her love. She believes in me so readily. I tell her something and it's truth. So when I tell her I love her, she believes me with all her heart. I hope that never fades, that she'll always know I love her by my actions, by my words, and by everything in between.

I'm truly blessed to be her mom.