This is a bit of a deep subject, so I'll just dive right in...see what I did there? Depression runs in my family. I've never been diagnosed with depression, but there have been times when I think I've been close. I would not say now is one of those times necessarily, but I will say that I think I am more prone to severe mood changes and getting into depressive funks. Learning to breastfeed Romney has been a real challenge and something that makes me want to cry quite often. I'll be honest. On my worst days when I couldn't console him and I couldn't figure out how to fix his latch on my own and I was hardly sleeping, I had some very dark thoughts. I felt my kids would be better off without me. I felt like I couldn't give Romm what he needed. I was a failure. I'd constantly snap at Olivia and send her into tears and once again, I was a failure. Truly, how could I live with being their parent when I felt like utter crap? Without rest and my emotions all over the place, I was not in a good place. I'd imagine ways that I could let myself out of this life. thinking that I'd no longer have to feel this way and that my kids would no longer have such an incompetent mother. It was almost pleasurable thinking about it. Now don't freak out when you read this. Those were my darkest moments and I've gotten past them. I write these things down now, because I don't think I should avoid talking about it. My swim in those dark waters was short-lived and I was able to surface again. I think one thing helped me was talking to the lactation consultant. Seriously, I felt like this woman could read my heart. She was truly an angel in what she said to me and I felt like someone was really trying to help me and had listened. I wish I hadn't waited so long to go see her in the first place.
The other thing that helped was that I talked to Jordan. I told him how I was feeling and he listened and helped make life easier in those moments. I don't think I was ever close to ending my life. I knew I had so much to live for, but I will admit that for a time I felt like I'd be better off gone. I think a lot of people feel this way during moments in their lives, more than they'd care to say. I also think writing has helped me. Writing has reminded me that I can be creative and expressive and that these moments will pass and become just another page in my personal history book. I can look back on this later and think, "that was really hard, but I got through it."
I still feel moments of discouragement and slight insanity. It's hard to get a normal routine back. I feel like I'm in a tug-of-war with routine and I'm about to slip in the mud. My house isn't nearly as clean and tidy and I live only to do the laundry and dishes during my off time when I'm not feeding Romney. Jordan helps, but I'm a bit obsessive about having a clean house and I constantly feel like I should be doing more. Just planning a trip to the grocery store takes so much time and energy. I don't know how people manage to do it. I'm seriously considering paying for Kroger to do my grocery shopping for me and picking it up. It sounds like a dream right now! I'll have to discuss it with Jordan. Anyway, basically my life revolves around feeding Romney. I'm either nursing him, or pumping, or washing bottles, but when it comes to the rest of my life, there just isn't a lot of energy left.
I thought I'd be one of those people who bounces back fast and wants to go out right away, but I find myself feeling like it's just safer to stay indoors. It gives me headaches thinking about leaving the house for extended periods of time right now. All I can think about is when I have to feed Romney next so that he can grow and be a healthy boy. I'm a very social person and I love outings, but I find that when I go out, while I enjoy it, it drains me. I didn't realize how much energy it took to be social. I know things will get better and easier. Romney will start gaining weight and my supply WILL INCREASE and soon I won't feel a sense of impending doom when I start thinking about leaving the house.
Some positive things that happened this week: Romney has been sleeping since we started this new feeding routine! I look over at him sleeping in his swing and thank God that he isn't sleeping in my arms and that he isn't crying. Another positive thing is that I got to go see the Nutcracker with Olivia. I had mentioned to Jordan that I really wanted to take her, especially since she loves ballet right now, and he surprised us with tickets! I didn't even know where we were going until we got there. He set up my GPS to navigate us there. I'll tell you that I nearly gave myself an aneurysm trying to plan how long I'd be gone when I didn't know what I'd be doing and not wanting to ruin this new feeding schedule, but it was so worth it and I'm glad Jordan forced me to go out. It was so fun whispering to Olivia the story and what was happening and asking her what was her favorite dance. I was truly able to relax and enjoy it once I was there. The last awesome thing is that we finally went to church since Romney was born. We have 9 o' clock church and it is so difficult to give up those extra couple of hours of sleep in the morning so that I can get ready and we can be out the door on time, but it was so nice to go today and to know that it IS possible to get out the door and be even EARLY to church with this new life we have. I realized that I feel ready to serve in a calling again in my church as I don't have one right now. I feel like I'm ready to grow and be stretched by the Lord. It feels a bit like I'm just barely getting back on my feet again, but I think that the more normal things I add back into my life, the faster things will fall into place. I think it's a good that I'm ready to serve in my church as it feels like I can start giving of myself again. I haven't had a lot of "self" lately.
I want to thank those people that have expressed true concern for how I'm feeling and have allowed me to talk and have listened. I hope I can do that for someone else. Truly, I feel very blessed to have such caring individuals in my life and I feel surrounded by love.
There's still a lot of adjustments that we have to make with being a family of four. My emotions still aren't completely in check and I'm trying to keep my patience with Olivia. She's been so helpful (sometimes too helpful), but I'm realizing that using the IPad to entertain her isn't so bad and to let her be independent, but to also let her be little. I'm trying to be a kind wife to my husband and I hope he knows how much I appreciate all he's done for me. I know this life can be hard, but I'm so grateful for my family, both near and far, and my friends, who, with their acts of love, remind me how wonderful it is to live in this world.
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