The Problem is Me

I'm not a great blogger. I don't have a following and I'm still learning how to format. I haven't done it all that much, but I am impressed with my friends who blog and the insight it brings into my own life. I am inspired to write more, to journal out my life and create my own personal history. If I don't do it, who will? I am thankful to those that read my blog and bear with me as I learn and slowly become better at this. I am thankful for the advice I receive, for the support people give me, and for the shared experiences. I am thankful for the memories I am making and that I'll be able to look back on this and remember all the awesome experiences I had with my family.
We recently celebrated my 27th birthday. It was a wonderful day! I got a massage, then we went to eat at Bernie's Burger Bus and finished the day off with a surprise party at the Chocolate Bar with some of my closest friends. It really was a pleasant day! One friend asked me what some of my favorite birthdays were and I have to say it stumped me. I can remember a couple birthdays, but I really can't remember that many. It makes me sad knowing how hard my mom worked to throw me those parties and that I can't remember much. I do know that I have had very few unpleasant birthdays. Some have been less than exceptional and some have been over the top. I am grateful for the love I was shown and for the many "Happy Birthdays". I can't help but feel that my birthday is more successful by the number of "Happy Birthdays" I get on Facebook. Such is the world we live in. So thanks again for making me feel super special! By Facebook standards my birthday was a success!
Now I know Facebook does not rule my emotions or the standards of my life. I am blessed to have an amazing family and wonderful friends who truly give to me more than I give back.
It's hard to admit I'm getting older mostly because I don't feel like I'm wise enough or mature enough to be in my late twenties. There's never a magical age where suddenly you know it all. I know that's true. We are always learning and gaining wisdom from our experiences, even as we become elderly, but it gets harder to change our ways as we get older. It's that much harder to become perfect. No wonder Christ tells us to become as a little child because as we get older we aren't as malleable or as agreeable. We become stubborn and dig in our heels and think we know better. I feel like I should be growing out of that soon, but I catch myself being closed-minded and feeling superior when I'm not. I am dust. The only reason I am on this earth is because of my Creator. He has blessed me with the gift of life and I am no better than any other human.
I guess that's what's this post is really about. I mentioned in my last blog post that I felt like I was having a rebirth of my beliefs. I was disappointed in General Conference because I had had a specific question in conference that was not answered. In fact, I didn't feel much of anything during conference. Every now and then I'd nod as I'd listen and think to myself that a particular talk touched something inside of me, but it barely resonated. I realized I'd missed the mark. I had done exactly as Elder Uchtdorf had said and I had looked beyond the mark, when I should have been focusing on simply feeling the spirit. I know this to be true, because as I drove in my car listening to three different talks from the Women's portion of conference, I felt the spirit and realized I needed to work on three different, distinct things in my life to become better. The problem wasn't the speakers. The problem was me. I had been praying before conference that I would be prepared to hear what I needed, but I had not prepared myself to listen to what God thought I needed. Because I was so focused on one specific topic, I didn't hear the topics I truly needed.
I learned that I needed to serve others. Serving others will help me expand my view and see others around me. It will also help me feel the love of Christ in my life.
I learned that I needed to seek for the best parts of the doctrine of Christ. I often get caught up in doing what I think I need to be doing and I miss out on the true learning experiences. If I had just sat down and stopped worrying about other things, whether it's doctrine I'm struggling with, house chores, taking care of my kids, my weight, or whatever, I could be growing in ways I never knew I could.
The other thing I realized I needed was confidence in my testimony. I have a testimony in many things and although my testimony is still growing in other areas of the gospel, I should hold on to what I do know. I can become one of those "certain women". I can become "convinced, positive, confident, firm, definite, assured, and dependable" in my beliefs. I would never want to be a stumbling block to someone else's testimony. I think instead of questioning so often, instead I can bear my testimony more often. While I believe deeply in seeking for eternal answers, sometimes I get too caught up in the questions and lack of answers. I need to constantly turn back to the times when I KNOW Heavenly Father has answered my questions. I need to hold on to those moments and remember that answers come line upon line and precept by precept, a little here, and a little there. Answers will come and I can take comfort in knowing the truths that Heavenly Father has shared with me. I think the more I bear my testimony confidently, the more I will gain.
I know I am often my own stumbling block. I remember when I was learning to drive my Dad told me that it's best to not look at just the car directly in front of you, but to have your eyes on the whole road ahead of you so that you can know what's coming. While that car in front of you might suddenly brake, you're much more likely to see if a slowdown is coming from watching the cars ahead. In this way, we can become our own stumbling block. We might look only so far ahead and get in an accident because the person ahead of us judged wrong or we ourselves judged wrong, but if we look ahead, we can see better at what is to come. We are less likely to crash and more likely to make it safely home. Sometimes I look to much at one concept in the church and I don't look at the whole picture. I let myself crash because I didn't have a wider view.
I hope Heavenly Father will give me opportunities to apply what I've learned from these concepts so that I can grow and become a better person.
As I write this blog, I'm realizing more and more that I'm not writing it to bring in followers or likes, but to share my feelings and experiences with becoming a better Christian and to share my testimony with my family and friends. This blog is a great place to write down memorable experiences, but I cannot forget my God and his hand in my life. It is ever-present and I am grateful for a place to remind myself that He is here for me. So if you come here, I hope my blog brings you joy as you read about my life, but even more that it reminds you that God is in your life too.