Christmas time is here!

This year we opted to stay home in Texas for Christmas instead of going to Utah. It was a hard decision, but an ultimately necessary one to make. Travelling with a new baby is scary and I've had friends whose babies have gotten RSV, which is terrifying! We missed our extended family a lot, but it was really nice to get to start some of our own family traditions as a new family of four. We went to see houses decorated with lights in the River Oaks neighborhood and also Pecan Grove! Practically EVERY house in Pecan Grove had lights due to an annual light decorating contest they hold. We were blown away and it really filled us with the spirit of Christmas.

Jordan also surprised Olivia and me with tickets to see "The Nutcracker". It was so fun to get to see such an amazing show with Olivia and she really enjoyed it! I think it was especially nice for Olivia because she just started dance this year. It was so fun to get to spend some quality time with my girl! I really hope this a new tradition I can continue in years to come.
We saw Santa and frosted cookies with friends! Of course I had to make some cute cookies for neighbors and friends.

 We read a new Christmas book that I bought, "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever!" We all enjoyed it and I loved learning about Christ through the Herdman children's point of view. It really helped me appreciate the humble circumstances our Savior was born into. On Christmas Eve we continued one of Jordan's family traditions and went and saw a movie. Rogue One: A Star Wars story was our family pick, and we all enjoyed it, although Olivia prefers the movies with Luke Skywalker. Romney only fussed a little and overall I think it was a good experience. After that, we took the kids to the store and had them help pick out a gift for each other. Olivia picked out new clothes for Romney, since he's not quite big enough to play with toys. This was Olivia's choice and was in no way influenced by her parents. I love how practical she is! Romney needed a bit more help from mom and we ended up picking out a little live petshop bird in a cage that records your voice and sings and chirps songs. I imagine in the future that the gifts will be smaller and less expensive, but I think it was good for Olivia to get to pick out something for her brother and I can't wait to see how this evolves in years to come.
We had a Christmas Eve dinner with friends which was so lovely! We had ham, jello, rolls, cheesy potatoes, cinnamon glazed carrots, salad, and cheesecake...and Jordan's Oma's homemade eggnog. It was the least stressed out I've ever been in hosting a dinner! I liked how it was more simple and laid back. Lately when I've been with groups of people it drains me, but I really felt energetic and relaxed the whole time. I feel so blessed to have such fantastic friends in our lives! I'm quite sad that ALL of these friends are moving at the end of December and we won't get to see them as often, but we've all resolved to find ways to see each other again, and I know it will happen.
During the evening we had a small Nativity pageant of our own and sang a couple of Christmas carols. The kids had a lot of fun acting it out and I loved seeing Pierce as a donkey with his daughter Kam on his back as Mary. I also enjoyed the double Angel of the Lord part as Sawyer decided being an angel was more fun than being Joseph and jumped up to help Olivia out. His little sister Haylen decided to fill the roll as Joseph. So, while our Nativity wasn't very well organised or traditional, I think we all remembered in the end who Christmas is really about.
Before bed we had the kids open their traditional Christmas pajamas. I was worried Romney wouldn't fit into his 3 month footie pajamas, but he's been growing quite a bit and filled out his new pjs, although he wasn't very happy about being changed into them. Olivia fell asleep so fast with the threat of Santa skipping our house, that we almost wished Santa could come every night. With the kids fed and finally in bed, we started wrapping gifts from us to the kids and preparing for Santa to come. I made a breakfast casserole in the crockpot and finally got to bed around 1 am, which is pretty typical with Romney's feeding schedule.

 The next morning we woke up early, fed Romney and had to actually wake Olivia up! We let her open one present, which happened to be the Ninja Turtle she asked Santa for in her letter, and then had breakfast and hurried to get ready for church. I honestly was disappointed that Christmas was on Sunday this year because I was worried about how our morning would go with two kids, but Olivia was super patient and understanding about not opening gifts until after church. She was quite the saint! In fact, we were EARLY to church. It was a nice service and I really enjoyed the spirit it brought into our hearts. It wasn't easy to have church also on Christmas day, but a lot of people go to some kind of church service on Christmas day regardless if it is Sunday, and with the proper planning, I was able to change my heart to prepare to make Christ the center of our celebrations.

After we got home, we all changed back into our pajamas and let the present opening commence! Olivia was so thrilled about the barbie house she got from Santa and also the bike.  The bird from Romney was a hit as well! I made Jordan some surgery scrub caps that turned out really nicely. He was surprised that I had actually made them! I loved the jacket Jordan picked out for me and my illustrated Harry Potter book.We loved Skyping with our family and opening gifts with them, and although my mind mentally cringed at the mess we would have to clean up, I forced myself to relax and just enjoy Christmas and time together as a family. Clean-up could wait until tomorrow. It was really a wonderful Christmas and although it was different without our extended family, it was much easier to do Christmas in Texas and I loved being with my little family. I hope in years to come we can still make trips out to Utah, but Olivia finally got to wake up Christmas morning in her own bed and experience Santa visiting her house on Christmas day. I love the memories we've made as a family and the traditions we've began. From here on out, Christmas will never really be the same with Jordan being a doctor and most likely working a lot of Christmases, but I know we will always strive to make Christmas special for our family and it will always be memorable. As long as we remember that Christmas is about Jesus Christ, I truly believe we will never have a disappointing Christmas. We have been so blessed and I'm so grateful all I've been given. 

Merry Christmas! 

Lots of Ups!

This week has been so busy! I can't believe it's the week before Christmas Eve! Olivia had her final dance class of the semester and had a mini recital to show us what she's learned. The big thing she's working on is skipping. I was so proud of her when it came time for her to skip across the stage. She hasn't quite mastered skipping yet, but she took her time slowly and confidently to skip across the floor! Olivia is a hard worker and she doesn't get discouraged easily. I really hope that I can continue to nurture those qualities and that it will make her a stronger person throughout her life. I'm glad she has had so much fun with dance and I can't wait for the spring semester to start! 

Romney has also been working hard at gaining weight this last week. It's been rough having to get up in the middle of the night for scheduled feedings, but mine and Jordan's sacrifices paid off! Romney now weighs 9 lbs 2 oz, which is more than a pound of weight gain in a week. After talking to the lactation consultant who praised us for our efforts, we've decided that Romney will have to be supplemented along with breastfeeding. He just does not have a strong enough latch and it's such a weight off my shoulders knowing how we can now move forward. We've also decided we can start feeding him on demand again at night! Last night I actually got 7 hours of sleep! It's amazing how much better I feel! In addition to all of this, we're also going to try to get Romney in to see an ENT doctor to evaluate him for tongue and mouth issues with feeding. I was worried that my milk supply wouldn't go up anymore at this point, but early this morning I pumped and got little over 3 ounces of milk, which is almost double what I normally get! I've been taking Fenugreek and I'm not 100% sure that it's been helping, but I was beaming when I saw that full bottle of milk! It's a wonderful testament to all the hard work I've put in this last week. Romney has completely changed this last week thanks to a full tummy! He's so much happier and content and he's getting a lot more sleep. What more could a mommy ask? 

This morning after getting such a good night's rest, I felt like I should get up and work out instead of lying in bed just looking at my phone. I did twenty minutes of high intensity zumba and while I can't say that my body was completely ready for that, I can say that it has mentally cheered me up this morning! Technically I have less than a week until I'm 6 weeks postpartum and cleared for working out again, so I only kind of broke the rules a little bit. Anyway, I'm starting my new year's resolution early and getting back on the wagon to work out and eat right. 

This week we also took the kids (it makes me so happy to get to say "kids") to see Santa Claus at Bass Pro Shops. Romney got to wear Jordan's old Santa suit outfit and Olivia has been dying to tell Santa what she wants for Christmas for months! She sweetly asked him for a house for her barbies and then continued to ask Santa for a shirt and a cute pants for Romney. I think she was being realistic as she knows Romney can't play with toys yet. She's such a great big sister! It seriously warmed my heart seeing those two kids sit on Santa's lap. I am so grateful for my sweet family! If I had to give away all of my material possessions for my family, they would never equal what my family means to me. This Christmas, I will just be grateful to see my kids happy and healthy and to know that we get to be together forever through the atonement of Christ. I know I've been having a rough time lately, but I feel like we've made it through the worst part of it and I couldn't have done it without my family. The sacrifices we've made to have a family are hardly sacrifices at all when you look at all we get to enjoy in this life because of those sacrifices.

 

This season has been made especially sweet as I hold my son and think of the infant Jesus. I'm sure Mary looked into her precious Son's face and wondered what he would grow to become, not really realizing all that he would be, and he probably exceeded all of her wildest dreams. As a parent, I know this is true of all children. They are so much better than us and they most emulate the qualities that Jesus would have us all possess: gentleness, meekness, mildness, kindness, unbidden love. I'm so grateful to have such a special reminder about what this Christmas season is really about. A long time ago, a baby was born and placed in a manger, born in lowly circumstances. As the child grew to be a man, he became our Savior and atoned for our sins and died for each one of us so that we could all have the choice of living with Him again. While he may have been born in humble circumstances, he has risen to reveal his full glory as our God and King. I am thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, this Christmas season. 

Baby Blues and feelings of insanity

This is a bit of a deep subject, so I'll just dive right in...see what I did there? Depression runs in my family. I've never been diagnosed with depression, but there have been times when I think I've been close. I would not say now is one of those times necessarily, but I will say that I think I am more prone to severe mood changes and getting into depressive funks. Learning to breastfeed Romney has been a real challenge and something that makes me want to cry quite often. I'll be honest. On my worst days when I couldn't console him and I couldn't figure out how to fix his latch on my own and I was hardly sleeping, I had some very dark thoughts. I felt my kids would be better off without me. I felt like I couldn't give Romm what he needed. I was a failure. I'd constantly snap at Olivia and send her into tears and once again, I was a failure. Truly, how could I live with being their parent when I felt like utter crap? Without rest and my emotions all over the place, I was not in a good place. I'd imagine ways that I could let myself out of this life. thinking that I'd no longer have to feel this way and that my kids would no longer have such an incompetent mother. It was almost pleasurable thinking about it. Now don't freak out when you read this. Those were my darkest moments and I've gotten past them. I write these things down now, because I don't think I should avoid talking about it. My swim in those dark waters was short-lived and I was able to surface again. I think one thing helped me was talking to the lactation consultant. Seriously, I felt like this woman could read my heart. She was truly an angel in what she said to me and I felt like someone was really trying to help me and had listened. I wish I hadn't waited so long to go see her in the first place.
The other thing that helped was that I talked to Jordan. I told him how I was feeling and he listened and helped make life easier in those moments. I don't think I was ever close to ending my life. I knew I had so much to live for, but I will admit that for a time I felt like I'd be better off gone. I think a lot of people feel this way during moments in their lives, more than they'd care to say. I also think writing has helped me. Writing has reminded me that I can be creative and expressive and that these moments will pass and become just another page in my personal history book. I can look back on this later and think, "that was really hard, but I got through it."
I still feel moments of discouragement and slight insanity. It's hard to get a normal routine back. I feel like I'm in a tug-of-war with routine and I'm about to slip in the mud. My house isn't nearly as clean and tidy and I live only to do the laundry and dishes during my off time when I'm not feeding Romney. Jordan helps, but I'm a bit obsessive about having a clean house and I constantly feel like I should be doing more. Just planning a trip to the grocery store takes so much time and energy. I don't know how people manage to do it. I'm seriously considering paying for Kroger to do my grocery shopping for me and picking it up. It sounds like a dream right now! I'll have to discuss it with Jordan. Anyway, basically my life revolves around feeding Romney. I'm either nursing him, or pumping, or washing bottles, but when it comes to the rest of my life, there just isn't a lot of energy left.
I thought I'd be one of those people who bounces back fast and wants to go out right away, but I find myself feeling like it's just safer to stay indoors. It gives me headaches thinking about leaving the house for extended periods of time right now. All I can think about is when I have to feed Romney next so that he can grow and be a healthy boy. I'm a very social person and I love outings, but I find that when I go out, while I enjoy it, it drains me. I didn't realize how much energy it took to be social. I know things will get better and easier. Romney will start gaining weight and my supply WILL INCREASE and soon I won't feel a sense of impending doom when I start thinking about leaving the house.
Some positive things that happened this week: Romney has been sleeping since we started this new feeding routine! I look over at him sleeping in his swing and thank God that he isn't sleeping in my arms and that he isn't crying. Another positive thing is that I got to go see the Nutcracker with Olivia. I had mentioned to Jordan that I really wanted to take her, especially since she loves ballet right now, and he surprised us with tickets! I didn't even know where we were going until we got there. He set up my GPS to navigate us there. I'll tell you that I nearly gave myself an aneurysm trying to plan how long I'd be gone when I didn't know what I'd be doing and not wanting to ruin this new feeding schedule, but it was so worth it and I'm glad Jordan forced me to go out. It was so fun whispering to Olivia the story and what was happening and asking her what was her favorite dance. I was truly able to relax and enjoy it once I was there. The last awesome thing is that we finally went to church since Romney was born. We have 9 o' clock church and it is so difficult to give up those extra couple of hours of sleep in the morning so that I can get ready and we can be out the door on time, but it was so nice to go today and to know that it IS possible to get out the door and be even EARLY to church with this new life we have. I realized that I feel ready to serve in a calling again in my church as I don't have one right now. I feel like I'm ready to grow and be stretched by the Lord. It feels a bit like I'm just barely getting back on my feet again, but I think that the more normal things I add back into my life, the faster things will fall into place. I think it's a good that I'm ready to serve in my church as it feels like I can start giving of myself again. I haven't had a lot of "self" lately.
I want to thank those people that have expressed true concern for how I'm feeling and have allowed me to talk and have listened. I hope I can do that for someone else. Truly, I feel very blessed to have such caring individuals in my life and I feel surrounded by love.
There's still a lot of adjustments that we have to make with being a family of four. My emotions still aren't completely in check and I'm trying to keep my patience with Olivia. She's been so helpful (sometimes too helpful), but I'm realizing that using the IPad to entertain her isn't so bad and to let her be independent, but to also let her be little. I'm trying to be a kind wife to my husband and I hope he knows how much I appreciate all he's done for me. I know this life can be hard, but I'm so grateful for my family, both near and far, and my friends, who, with their acts of love, remind me how wonderful it is to live in this world.  

Nursing issues and Army Residency Match

Today I went to see a lactation consultant because I've been worried about Romney not being able to latch well. He falls asleep so quickly while nursing, which is often a sign of a poor latch, and he doesn't seem to be satisfied after nursing, often waking immediately after we're done and inconsolable unless he's feeding. I've had a hunch that he's starving and it turns out I was right. At four weeks old, he's only 7 lbs 14 oz, barely above his birth weight. The lactation consultant weighed Romm before and after nursing on each side and he'd only gotten about 1/2 oz on each side. My supply is going down, Romm isn't gaining weight, and I'm exhausted. The lactation consultant kept apologizing to me that I've been having such a hard time with the pain with nursing, Romm's constant crying, and my lack of sleep. I felt for the first time that someone actually was trying to understand what was going on and how I was feeling. I shouldn't have to be working so hard and getting so little out of it. People keep telling me, "Oh, the pain will eventually pass," or "he'll just get better at it," but I had this nagging feeling that things were NOT going to improve unless I did something more. So now I've got an elaborate plan made for this whole next week to help increase my milk supply and get Romney's weight up. Unfortunately, that means he'll have to have supplementation with formula, but I'll be nursing and bottle feeding him as much breast milk as I can. It's going to be a hard next week and I know I'll have to keep my head up and not get discouraged and then we'll reevaluate after this week with the lactation consultant. I feel really blessed to have a place like the Lactation Foundation so close to me. I'm not sure there was anything like this with Olivia and maybe I'll actually be able to nurse Romm longer because I'm getting the proper help. All I can do is eat right, try and get enough sleep, stay hydrated, and not get frustrated with myself or Romm. I feel so bad that he's been practically starving lately. I'd cry too if I never had a full tummy. Isn't he a cutie though?! 

Well, on to a more positive note, we found out where we matched in the Army for Jordan's OBGYN medical residency and we are going to be moving to......San Antonio, Texas! I'll admit we were disappointed because it wasn't our first choice. We would have liked the opportunity for some new scenery, but I am incredibly grateful that Jordan matched and that our move won't be too difficult. It's not as humid in San Antonio and there are a lot of fun things to do in that area. We've made so many good friends in Houston that I hope we will make the time to come back and visit while we have the chance. SAMMC hospital is one of the best Army hospitals out there and I think Jordan will learn a lot and have the opportunity to become a rockstar OBGYN. I don't know what our future holds, but I'm grateful I have my little family as we travel into the unknown together. I know God's hand is there, guiding us gently through this life, and I just have to have faith that this is where we're supposed to go for whatever reason. I am incredibly proud of Jordan for matching and I have to say, I'm proud of myself for getting through these last four years. They weren't easy, especially with me in nursing school and having another baby, but the lessons we've learned are worth the hardships! Now we've got to get through the next four residency years (which I've heard are even more grueling (shudder), but we can do it! Come graduation in the spring you can call my husband "Dr. Gisseman."

Until we move, I'm just going enjoy this precious time with my family before life gets crazy again.