The Problem is Me

I'm not a great blogger. I don't have a following and I'm still learning how to format. I haven't done it all that much, but I am impressed with my friends who blog and the insight it brings into my own life. I am inspired to write more, to journal out my life and create my own personal history. If I don't do it, who will? I am thankful to those that read my blog and bear with me as I learn and slowly become better at this. I am thankful for the advice I receive, for the support people give me, and for the shared experiences. I am thankful for the memories I am making and that I'll be able to look back on this and remember all the awesome experiences I had with my family.
We recently celebrated my 27th birthday. It was a wonderful day! I got a massage, then we went to eat at Bernie's Burger Bus and finished the day off with a surprise party at the Chocolate Bar with some of my closest friends. It really was a pleasant day! One friend asked me what some of my favorite birthdays were and I have to say it stumped me. I can remember a couple birthdays, but I really can't remember that many. It makes me sad knowing how hard my mom worked to throw me those parties and that I can't remember much. I do know that I have had very few unpleasant birthdays. Some have been less than exceptional and some have been over the top. I am grateful for the love I was shown and for the many "Happy Birthdays". I can't help but feel that my birthday is more successful by the number of "Happy Birthdays" I get on Facebook. Such is the world we live in. So thanks again for making me feel super special! By Facebook standards my birthday was a success!
Now I know Facebook does not rule my emotions or the standards of my life. I am blessed to have an amazing family and wonderful friends who truly give to me more than I give back.
It's hard to admit I'm getting older mostly because I don't feel like I'm wise enough or mature enough to be in my late twenties. There's never a magical age where suddenly you know it all. I know that's true. We are always learning and gaining wisdom from our experiences, even as we become elderly, but it gets harder to change our ways as we get older. It's that much harder to become perfect. No wonder Christ tells us to become as a little child because as we get older we aren't as malleable or as agreeable. We become stubborn and dig in our heels and think we know better. I feel like I should be growing out of that soon, but I catch myself being closed-minded and feeling superior when I'm not. I am dust. The only reason I am on this earth is because of my Creator. He has blessed me with the gift of life and I am no better than any other human.
I guess that's what's this post is really about. I mentioned in my last blog post that I felt like I was having a rebirth of my beliefs. I was disappointed in General Conference because I had had a specific question in conference that was not answered. In fact, I didn't feel much of anything during conference. Every now and then I'd nod as I'd listen and think to myself that a particular talk touched something inside of me, but it barely resonated. I realized I'd missed the mark. I had done exactly as Elder Uchtdorf had said and I had looked beyond the mark, when I should have been focusing on simply feeling the spirit. I know this to be true, because as I drove in my car listening to three different talks from the Women's portion of conference, I felt the spirit and realized I needed to work on three different, distinct things in my life to become better. The problem wasn't the speakers. The problem was me. I had been praying before conference that I would be prepared to hear what I needed, but I had not prepared myself to listen to what God thought I needed. Because I was so focused on one specific topic, I didn't hear the topics I truly needed.
I learned that I needed to serve others. Serving others will help me expand my view and see others around me. It will also help me feel the love of Christ in my life.
I learned that I needed to seek for the best parts of the doctrine of Christ. I often get caught up in doing what I think I need to be doing and I miss out on the true learning experiences. If I had just sat down and stopped worrying about other things, whether it's doctrine I'm struggling with, house chores, taking care of my kids, my weight, or whatever, I could be growing in ways I never knew I could.
The other thing I realized I needed was confidence in my testimony. I have a testimony in many things and although my testimony is still growing in other areas of the gospel, I should hold on to what I do know. I can become one of those "certain women". I can become "convinced, positive, confident, firm, definite, assured, and dependable" in my beliefs. I would never want to be a stumbling block to someone else's testimony. I think instead of questioning so often, instead I can bear my testimony more often. While I believe deeply in seeking for eternal answers, sometimes I get too caught up in the questions and lack of answers. I need to constantly turn back to the times when I KNOW Heavenly Father has answered my questions. I need to hold on to those moments and remember that answers come line upon line and precept by precept, a little here, and a little there. Answers will come and I can take comfort in knowing the truths that Heavenly Father has shared with me. I think the more I bear my testimony confidently, the more I will gain.
I know I am often my own stumbling block. I remember when I was learning to drive my Dad told me that it's best to not look at just the car directly in front of you, but to have your eyes on the whole road ahead of you so that you can know what's coming. While that car in front of you might suddenly brake, you're much more likely to see if a slowdown is coming from watching the cars ahead. In this way, we can become our own stumbling block. We might look only so far ahead and get in an accident because the person ahead of us judged wrong or we ourselves judged wrong, but if we look ahead, we can see better at what is to come. We are less likely to crash and more likely to make it safely home. Sometimes I look to much at one concept in the church and I don't look at the whole picture. I let myself crash because I didn't have a wider view.
I hope Heavenly Father will give me opportunities to apply what I've learned from these concepts so that I can grow and become a better person.
As I write this blog, I'm realizing more and more that I'm not writing it to bring in followers or likes, but to share my feelings and experiences with becoming a better Christian and to share my testimony with my family and friends. This blog is a great place to write down memorable experiences, but I cannot forget my God and his hand in my life. It is ever-present and I am grateful for a place to remind myself that He is here for me. So if you come here, I hope my blog brings you joy as you read about my life, but even more that it reminds you that God is in your life too.

Road Trip to Albuquerque, NM, etc.

Ok, so everyone keeps asking me, "Why New Mexico?" Because of the Beans, of course! I mean the Bean family! I mean, don't get me wrong, New Mexico has some good beans, but it's the people I'm after! Shortly after I moved to Houston, TX, a new girl came to my church and we were introduced. Her mother-in-law was with her and asked her where I lived and we found out we lived in the same apartment complex and that's how mine and Liz's friendship began. Liz watched my daughter Olivia while I went back to school, we talked and bonded about how busy our husbands were while in medical school, and we had LOTS AND LOTS of play-dates with the kiddos! I love these people and I told Jordan after they moved away for Matt's residency in Albuquerque that we were going to go visit them when we had the time. Everyone I talk to about Liz who knew her back in Houston has nothing but nice things to say about her. She has been an amazing friend to me, even from a distance and I'm so glad that she and her family are in my life. So that's why New Mexico!
It took us 14 hours to get to their house, but the trip getting there was a lot of fun. I am definitely a road-trip person! I stock up on junk food, bring lots of activities for the kids, and Jordan and I listen to an audio book while we drive. We finished the book "Calamity" by Brandon Sanderson. It was really good, but I'm not surprised, since Brandon Sanderson writes amazing fantasy novels. This book was a part of a trilogy set in our time in our world, but a world where superheros suddenly exist except are actually evil villains. They have superpowers but the superpowers corrupt them and they wreak havoc on the world. This book is about a boy who fights against the super-villains. I promise you'll really enjoy it! Brandon Sanderson has a way of making all of his characters distinct and interesting and he doesn't dawdle when getting into the story.
Olivia watched a ton of movies on the iPad and Romney did basically what a baby does. The only downside is that I had to climb into the squishy backseat every time Romney got hungry so I could feed him a bottle, but thank goodness for bottle-feeding or the trip might have been much longer. Both of the kids were really good on the trip and we all really enjoyed ourselves. We even took our dog Loki, who only whined the first couple hours of the trip and then settled down. He basically stands on the middle console the whole time we drive.
My favorite part about the trip was just simply visiting with Liz and Matt and the kids playing together. I haven't been as good about doing play-dates for Olivia since Jordan's been off work. We've just been doing a lot of family activities and Olivia has really been missing friend time. She had a blast with the Bean kids and was really sad when we had to leave.
While we were there the Beans took us to a roller-skating rink where Olivia learned to rollerblade for the first time! She did really well and you could tell she was really proud of herself.

Olivia Rollerblading!

                                     

We were also there to celebrate two of the Bean kids' birthdays. We went to their birthday party and had a lot of fun getting to meet some of the Beans' friends and eating yummy food. You could tell the Beans' friends loved them and I'm pretty sure they are the type of people that will make friends wherever they go!



The Beans took us to a New Mexican restaurant called Monroe's! It was really delicious. What makes New Mexican food unique from plain old Mexican food or Tex-Mex is their love of green chiles! Well, I LOVE green chiles, so it was a perfect match! We had the chile rellenos and they brought out indian scones which are like the scones we make in Utah for Navajo tacos! That's the other thing about New Mexican food, is the incorporation of Native American dishes into the food. SOOOO DELICIOUS!

While New Mexico is a desert, you can see the Rocky Mountains and a lot of beauty in the barren land. New Mexican residents incorporate a lot of bright colors into the city of Albuquerque and there is a lot of nod to Native American, Spaniard, and Mexican culture in the city. I'm pretty jealous of the New Mexico license plate color, which is a pretty turquoise!
While we were there we were fortunate enough to be around for Albuquerque's Old Town 311th founder celebration. It was a treat visiting Old Town and seeing the cathedral. There was a lot of Native Americans dressed in traditional clothing and selling jewelry. The kids loved getting their faces painted and the balloon animals. I loved all of the touristy attractions. I LOVE being a tourist. I may not be the tacky "wear-a-Hawaiian-T-Shirt-in-Hawaii" kind of tourist, but I am pretty close. I always make Jordan take us on historical tours and visit souvenir shops. I wish I could have stayed in Albuquerque longer so I could have spent a little more time learning about the history.

I almost forgot to mention how sweet Liz and Matt were for offering to watch the kids one of the evenings we were there so we could go out on a date. We went to a Vietnamese restaurant and a dollar movie to see La La Land! It's fun to go on a date for less than $30! Thanks again Liz and Matt! You guys rock!
Now for my review of La La Land. I will make this short and to the point. It was really good and artistic, but it didn't knock my socks off. Maybe you can blame it on all the hype. I wasn't disappointed with it, I'm just not going to gush about it. Sorry if we can no longer be friends...
Our trip ended far too quickly and I was so sad to leave the Beans. The good thing is that I know we'll be friends for a very long time because it's not likely I'm going to let them get away so easily. They're stuck with me. Sorry guys!
Our trip home was pretty uneventful and similar to our trip there. The only difference is that we played the license plate game and tried to find all fifty states of America. We ended up finding 33 states and 4 Canadian territories. Not bad for a 14-hour drive in the southwest! It was hard to come home after such a fun trip. Because of all the recent and upcoming changes in our lives, our home doesn't really feel like home anymore.

In some ways, I still feel like I'm on a road trip. I don't think I'll really feel settled again until we're in our new home in San Antonio. Everything feels so bittersweet and final here in Houston. We've been crossing off Houston activities on our bucket-list and writing down the places we HAVE to eat at before we leave. Right now the restaurant list consists of: Bernie's Burger Bus (American burger cuisine with awesome shakes, sweet potato fries, and THEE BEST ketchup/BBQ sauce mixture), Cafe Piquet (Cuban), Chi Dynasty (Chinese), Pappasitos (Tex-Mex), and Morningside Thai (Thai...duh). A lot of our other favorite restaurants they, fortunately, have in San Antonio as well, hallelujah; I'm looking at you Chuy's, Torchy's and MOD Pizza!
The last few things we've done is go to Kemah Boardwalk, the Showboat Drive-In Movies in Hockley, and Surfside Beach. So here's a little explanation: the reason Jordan has that big gash on his head is because he dove into the water when the tide was receding and hit his head on the bottom of the ocean. It looks a lot worse than it was. Glad he wasn't seriously injured, but I'm also glad it wasn't Olivia that had a big gash on her head this year right before a big holiday, and I'm also wondering why it seems like one of us is always injured in holiday pictures...

Easter was pretty low-key this year, but a lot of fun! We dyed Easter eggs and the Easter Bunny decided Olivia was old enough to start a tradition that I grew up with as a child and sent her on a Scavenger hunt around the house to find her surprises. There were eggs scattered around the floor with jellybeans inside and to keep Easter about Christ, one of the eggs had no candy, but a note inside that read "He is not here; He is Risen!" When Olivia found the note, we talked about Jesus Christ's Resurrection and what it means for us as children of God on the earth today. We also watched a couple short videos about the Resurrection.

 I am so glad that because of my Savior, I have the opportunity to return to Him once more and be perfected through him. I think this Easter I had a rebirth of my determination to truly believe. I realized that I needed to put my whole heart into believing in Christ, that he is Living, and that he loves me and is actively helping me in my life. I am grateful for Easter and what it means for me. I am grateful for my friends. I am grateful for new opportunities to make new friends. I am grateful for my Savior, who is my one constant friend in this life filled with unknowns. "And Jesus, walking by the sea of Galilee, saw two brethren, Simon called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea: for they were fishers. And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. And they straightway left their nets, and followed him." Matt 4:18-20
If we follow Christ, he will not only remain by our side throughout our life, but he will help us help others along the way.

On being a TWIN! A tribute to Hannah

Some of you may be surprised to find out that I am a twin. Her name is Hannah. Something interesting about her from the get-go is that her name is a "palindrome" meaning it is says the same thing when read forward and backward. Something a little more interesting about her is that she has Cerebral Palsy and has been in a wheelchair for as long as I can remember. Growing up my earliest memories of Hannah are going to physical therapy with her. I remember when she got her wheelchair because I thought it was so neat! I never knew Hannah any different. As a child we were always together. I remember learning to push Hannah in her wheelchair before she had a power chair. I definitely remember tipping her over a couple of times, which I still feel bad about. I used to be able to pick her up and carry her around easily when we were younger and people would always tell me how strong and impressive I was. I liked that since I was so short and slight of frame. It feels odd now that for a large portion of my life Hannah was connected to me like an appendage. Hannah and Kayla: the twins. Growing up, being a twin was common knowledge, but now I find that I've failed to mention that part of my life and I have to backtrack and say, "Oh yeah, I'm a twin, didn't I tell you?" I mean, it's probably one of the most interesting things about me, and being the great conversationalist that I am, you'd think it would be the first thing out of my mouth. Being a twin has defined me in a lot of ways, but this blog post really isn't about me. It's about Hannah. Or, at least, that's who I want to focus on. As I said before, you can't really get Hannah without including me and vice versa. 

Things I know about Hannah:

·       She thinks she's hilarious and loves it when others suffer. For example, if she's beating me at Sorry, or I'm tripping over something, or my Dad happens to be tickling me way too hard, she will laugh hysterically. She really does revel in other people's suffering...or, at least, my suffering.

·       She has an infectious and loud laugh. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d just read the first bullet point and had a good laugh about all of that (see, she loves it when others suffer). This bullet point makes me sad as I've realized I've not had a good laugh-fest with Hannah in some time. Hannah would start laughing about something and you couldn't help but join in until you'd been laughing a good five minutes and no longer knew what you were laughing about. If you know Hannah, then I am positive that you have had one good laugh-fest with her.

·       She loves Disney and movies. Her favorite Disney movie as a child was 101 Dalmatians. This love of movies has carried into her adult life and she works at a movie theater and still watches LOT OF MOVIES. Other childhood favorites are Fievel Goes West, Babe, Milo and Otis, and Homeward Bound.

·       Her favorite color is purple….and mine is pink.

·       She always had a chocolate cake with white frosting and I always had a white cake with chocolate frosting because my mom is awesome like that and made us both our own cake ;)

·       Hannah is a kind and friendly person. From my standpoint, Hannah would never want to harm anyone in any way. She has always challenged me to see the good in people and has brought out the good in others with her kind heart. She doesn’t discriminate. She loves everyone. If you are blessed to be one of Hannah’s friends, you should know that it is one of the best friendships you will ever have because Hannah is loyal to a fault.

·       She doesn’t get enough credit. All my life I grew up hearing what an angel Hannah was and sometimes I think I felt like if Hannah was the angel, then I must be the evil twin. Handing out compliments to a twin is dangerous if not given to both twins when they are both present. Anyway, I think hearing about how good Hannah was made me try really hard to find bad things about her so I could feel better about myself. I think I deluded myself into thinking that Hannah wasn’t all that and a bag of chips like everyone thought she was. But now I have to admit, that Hannah IS all that AND a bag of Cool Ranch chips. She’s pretty awesome and I’m grateful for the things I’ve learned in my life by being her sister.

When I said I think Hannah doesn’t get enough credit, it’s because I’ve seen time and time again people dismiss Hannah’s lifelong trial of being in a wheelchair because she’s always known life in a wheelchair, as though somehow it makes it easier for her to cope than someone who had a tragic accident. While I recognize that everyone’s trials are unique and difficult in their own way, I’ve seen firsthand how people have treated Hannah because she is in a wheelchair.

People assume that because she’s in a wheelchair that she is also dumb. I’ve heard people talking slowly to her or as if she were a baby. Luckily, that disappears pretty fast when those people have a full-blown conversation with her and realize she is a person with depth and character.

I’ve seen people make fun of her, children stare and wonder why she is different, people ignore her, exclude her (myself included), abuse her, and try to take advantage of her. My point in writing all of this isn’t to bring her down, but to tell you that although she doesn’t suffer from knowing what life was like when she could walk, that she does suffer on a daily basis because of her trial. In some ways, I think she feels like she’s expected to suffer in silence, because she’s been in a wheelchair her whole life. I mean, come on, aren’t you used to it yet Hannah? Of course she’s not. Who could get used to constantly being looked down on and considered less by others who don’t know you?

I read an article about a man who was paralyzed after skiing. I felt sorry for him, but I couldn’t help but think about Hannah as I read the article. This man was lucky enough to be married and have kids. Things Hannah may never get to experience. Yes, I felt for the guy, but I recognized that Hannah has suffered too. Suffered her whole life and risen above it day after day. Of course it’s not a contest about who endures their trials better, but I think Hannah does deserve some credit for how well she has endured hers.

She has watched all of her sisters make careers for themselves, move out of the house, and get married and have children. She has sat on the sideline as many of her friends have gotten married and has been there with a smile on her face. Through all of this though, she is still a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and is currently serving a part-time mission. She leads her life assuming that all people are good and finds that good inside of them. She is constant and unwavering in her convictions of goodness in a world that would have her give in to despair for her plight.

No, Hannah isn’t perfect, but she’s a pretty darn good example of Christ-like traits that we should all possess. I have learned to look past peoples’ appearances because of her. I have learned a compassion for humans that I would never have learned if she hadn’t been in my life. I have learned to love to serve people. I was always told that Hannah was in our family because she was going to teach us so much. I think that’s true, but I think it’s especially true for me. Through Hannah, I have learned a lot about myself and I am better for it. I am so grateful that God gave me a twin and put me in this situation. I have had people ask me time and time again why I’m not in a wheelchair like Hannah. My short answer is that I don’t know. I have wrestled feelings of guilt that I’m normal and she’s not, but now I wouldn’t have it any other way. She needs this trial and I needed it too. Even now, I still feel a connection to Hannah unique from my other siblings. There is an invisible line attaching us and while we may become distant both emotionally and geographically, that line always pulls us back together when we need it to. The line allows us to learn and grow from each other even when we are across the country from each other.

So Hannah, because you don't complain, I’ll complain for you. I know your life hasn’t been everything you’d hoped or dreamed, but I know God has a path for you just like everyone else. In this, you are like every other child on earth. You are loved by our Creator and not forgotten. You are loved by me, your sister, and I truly want you to have a happy life. I’ll give you the credit you deserve and tell you that you are one absolutely amazing person. I could never have done what you have. I could never have rolled with your wheels, but I can recognize greatness when I see it and you are one of the greats. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.