Balancing Act

If you've talked to me recently, you've probably heard me go on and on about how hard it is to be a parent of two. Well...it is! The number one reason it's hard is because it takes so much longer to get out the door. Add in tantrums, blow-outs, making bottles, pumping, and my day is already so full! It's hard to balance it all, but it's even harder to measure up to my own scale of what I think I should be doing.

Right now I am three and a half months postpartum and I should be working out every day, eating super healthy, getting out and about as easily as I did with one child, and be mom of the year with both of my kids. Now pause while I take a moment to hysterically laugh. When I write it all down it does look pretty ridiculous! It's been pointed out that I am spreading myself too thin and expecting too much of myself. I am queen of tearing myself down and I think it's time I started to build myself back up.

Things I am good at: Meal-planning and regular family dinners at home, getting the laundry not only washed, but folded the same or the next day, getting the dishes done daily, cleaning my home, reading scriptures with my family daily, getting out to do at least one thing a day (whether that's grocery shopping or a trip to the zoo), taking time to read a book or listen to one, getting Olivia to all of her activities and being on time, getting to church on time weekly (even by myself), sleeping, showering, getting myself ready for the day, getting two kids ready for the day, taking care of my pets....

Wow, so there are a lot of things I'm doing pretty well. I don't know why I'm so hard on myself, but I am doing a pretty good job! It's hard to not think that I should be able to do all the things that I could previously do when I just had one child, but I've got to give myself some slack. Women everywhere should give themselves some slack because I KNOW I'm not the only one who does this. There are things that are easier about being a mother the second time around, but there are definitely some things that are harder. I'm still learning about being a mom to Olivia and now I have Romney to deal with as well. My kids are wonderful, but they take a lot of work.

I have to teach a lesson in church about being a daughter of God and I have had a hard time really feeling that lately. I've been talking to other wise women, telling them my doubts and fears, and they have really lifted me up. They have reminded me that being a mom is a joyous blessing. I have never really liked motherhood to be called a "calling" when I know there are women out there who don't believe they should or can't have kids. I didn't want motherhood to be the only hat I was allowed to wear. I wanted to be recognized as more than just someone who wipes butts all day, (although I do that a lot as a nurse anyway), but the longer I've been a mom, the more I see the value in being a mother, and striving your best to be a good mother. I'd never trade my kids away for anything. Sure, it's hard work, but I am irreplaceable in my children's lives. Being a mother IS a calling. Something we forget about callings is that while the calling is offered, we have to be the one to accept it. Many choose to not accept this calling and some choose to accept this calling in different ways by stepping in and helping the children around them. I have chosen to accept this calling and I know that with God's help, he will help me be the mom to the children he sent me to raise. I am so glad I have his divine help because I really need it and I really need to ask for His help more often!

I am a woman of many hats, being a mom is a hat for all seasons though.

Another friend reminded me that I needed to stop comparing myself to others. I read in my favorite quote from Max Ehrmann in Desiderata, "If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself." I always thought that vanity was only bad when you looked at yourself in the mirror and thought how pretty you looked. I did not realize how vain I was being by comparing myself so often to those around me. I've decided that whenever I start comparing myself to someone, instead I will start to think positive thoughts about that person and leave myself out of it. I've heard that when you're feeling down, you should serve others, and that is one way that I will serve others, by putting only positive thoughts in my head about them, instead of bringing themselves down with me by comparing myself to them. It is true, that as you compare yourself to others, you become more bitter. I have felt thoughts that have started out good become poisonous and sour my relations with those people. 

Knowing you are a daughter of God gives you the stability to stop thinking about yourself and to think about those around you. It allows you to reach out and spread the goodness that is inside you, that is inside us all. That reminds me of the movie Trolls. I love the thought that we all have happiness inside of us, sometimes we just need someone's help to bring it out. Knowing you are a daughter of God can make you happy, and when you feel good, you want to share that goodness with others. 

Knowing you are a daughter of God allows you to see the divine worth in the people around you. Those snap judgments that you make about someone can be pushed to the back of your mind and you can take the time to get to know who that person really is.

Knowing you are a daughter of God means you realize that your Heavenly Father is your actual FATHER and that you can turn to him for help when life gets rough. You may not know how to raise your child, but you can bet that Heavenly Father knows how to. I have often said prayers to my Heavenly Father to help me say the right things to Olivia. I think he always answers my prayers, but I think sometimes I don't always listen very well. I could be a better listener and I could talk to him more. 

There are many things that I am still learning about being a daughter of God. While in this earthly sphere, it is hard to imagine my Divine Creator and that He cares about me just as much as he cares about his other children, but he does. Somehow he does. He whispers to me that I am doing good. He tells me that he loves me. He sends me friends to keep me from feeling alone. He helps me remember what's important. In the dark hours of the night when Satan knows my mind is weakest, my Heavenly Father helps me to go to sleep, because tomorrow is another day, and I always think better of myself in the morning, and sometimes the best blessing is just to forget about the day. 

So, I'm learning to balance. I have many balls that I'm juggling in the air as I wheel myself precariously across a tightrope, but God is my safety net if I fall, sometimes he throws me another ball and sometimes he takes one away, sometimes he's there for me to throw balls back and forth with, but he's always there, encouraging me to grow, to strengthen me when I'm weak, and to hold me when I slip.

I'm learning to love myself, to love being a parent, and to really appreciate the people in my life. I'm learning to take it easy, and when to put in a lot of effort. It's all a balancing act, and some days I'm better at it than others. As my YouTube yoga instructor says, "[balancing] is always different on different days, so never take it personally." I would have to agree. Some days are just easier to balance than others and we should be forgiving if our abilities fall short of our expectations. I deserve points just for getting back up to balance again! Now excuse me while I go eat some ice cream.

Utah Trip for Jordan's Grandpas' Funerals

I have to say I've been putting off writing this post. I remember when we moved to Houston and I told Jordan that it might be the last time he'd see his grandparents. I feel cruel now when I think back to that day. Jordan's Opa Ralph Gisseman and his Grandpa John Skeen passed away within 18 hours of each other at the same hospice care center. They both had had health struggles, but I think ultimately what brought these giants down was old age. It was such a shock to us all. Even as we were getting the phone calls about their decreasing health life still had to go on and it was hard to process everything. I'll never forget Jordan talking to his grandpas over Skype while they were on their way out of this world. It was a hard moment to watch and I could only hold Romney close to me for comfort. It was a struggle trying to decide if we were all going to be able to go back to Utah for the funeral, but in the end it all worked out.
Jordan was busy working a 24 hour shift the weekend we found out they both passed away and I was alone with the kids. The only time Jordan and I spent together that weekend was trying to find the least inexpensive flight on such short notice. I was so busy trying to plan everything, pack, and take care of the kids, I didn't really feel anything but stress. I flew out to Utah on a Saturday with the kids and Jordan would join us Monday night.
The morning of my flight was a miraculously non-stressful experience. Security wasn't busy at all and there was hardly a wait. While on the flight Olivia watched a movie on the IPad and I took care of Romney. We were in the very back of the plane, but that ended up working out just fine since there was a fantastic flight attendant back there that helped hold Romm while I got situated and helped Olivia grab things when I couldn't. She was such a nice person and such a boon to me on this trip! I wish I could remember her name so I could give her proper credit, but the plane isn't the only way that lady flies! She surely has the wings of an angel.

Jordan's parents met us at the airport and I was relieved to see them and grateful to be with them during this time. Holli and Dave have been wonderful parents to me and their family has adopted me as one of their own. For me, being at these funerals was so important. I loved Opa and Grandpa Goosey. I didn't grow up with grandpas in my life and these men filled that place in my heart. I'll always remember sitting by Opa listening to him tell me stories. Often he was content to sit back and watch, but he loved to visit and smile. He was a kind person and he loved his great grandchildren and I'm so glad he got to spend a little time with Olivia. Our last visit to Utah, we got to help him with his yard and garden. Olivia loved checking on the corn and tomatoes and Opa made sure that he was around to supervise. We had a nice lunch at their home complete with Creamies Popsicles. It wasn't ice cream out of a bowl, but I guess it was good enough for Opa.  

Grandpa Goosey was an equally exceptional person. He had a low voice that would rumble with excitement when you came to his house. He'd always put an arm around me, pull me in close for a hug and ask me how I was doing. Even if Jordan wasn't with me, he was always happy I was there and he had the best smile. Grandma Goosey ran the show, but Grandpa was always right there with her happy to be in her company. Most of my memories involve him asking me questions while I ate as many of Grandma Goosey's cookies as I could. He always had an interest in our well-being and he was cute with the grandchildren as well. I so wish he could've met Romney before leaving this world, but perhaps Romney is closer to him than we realize.

Being with family was just the medicine that we needed to get through this rough time. We shared many happy memories of these two gentlemen and connected with a lot of our family that we hadn't seen in some time. As I look back at these pictures, I feel so blessed to have so much family to rely on. Even my own parents took time to come to the funerals and help us out. It really shows me how love can connect us on such a deep level. You don't have to be blood to be family. We are all family in this world so long as we can feel love for one another. While we were there, we also had Romney given a name on the LDS church records and a blessing. My mother-in-law counted and there were fifty people in attendance at his blessing! Truly love abounds in this family!

The funerals were wonderful tributes to these men and I'm so glad I could participate. I sang a duet with Riley, my brother-in-law, while Jordan accompanied us on an arrangement of "Nearer, My God to Thee" that he created. I also sang "As I Have Loved You" with all of the grandchildren at Opa's funeral. Everywhere you turned, there was someone there to hug or chat with or get a smile from just when you needed it. These men had so many people come to their funerals. Their families alone could have attested to the love and praise these men had accumulated and freely gave back throughout their lives. This was truly a hard experience for our family to get through, but we had so much help! I'm grateful to my friend Kylie Skanchy for taking care of our pets while we were gone. I'm also grateful to my friend Stephanie Ritter for picking us up from the airport and bringing us such lovely flowers to brighten our home. And my last praises go to my friend Aimee Tellez for making us a delicious dinner the night we got back and cookies! Oh, and also Trace Stay for taking Jordan to the airport. When Jordan finally got into town, I think we all breathed a collective sigh of relief and gratitude that he was finally with his family during this time of grief. I could feel bonds of love being made and tightened. I could feel the beauty of the family and how important families are to this world. I could feel the joy of my own children as they lightened the mood with their smiles and fun attitudes. Currently, Romney is the only boy to carry on the family name of Gisseman. I am grateful that Oma and Grandma Goosey have so many people around them that love them and will help to comfort them and take care of their needs. Jordan's grandpas can rest easy knowing they will be well taken care of. These women were so admirable through all of this. While they openly admitted feelings of grief, they carried on with the faith that one day they would be reunited with their husbands. Their strength strengthened us all.

While our trip to Utah was not for pleasant circumstances, it was certainly pleasant being with all of our family. I hope we can see everyone again real soon, and I hope we can make good choices so we can truly have a forever family.
 

Romney is 3 months!

Wow how the time flies! While we were in Utah, Romney turned 3 months old!

He's been learning so much and he's such a joy to be around! We are in love with all of his smiles he freely gives away. We are loving trying to get him to laugh! He's so close! He's purposefully grabbing things and bringing them to his mouth to suck on. He LOVES looking at his handsome face in the mirror. He can help hold his bottle a little and he now gets distracted while eating so it takes a little more effort to keep his concentration. He loves his sister Olivia and she loves him! He can't take his eyes off of her when she's around. 

He can roll from his stomach to his side/back and has amazing head control. He's now doing mini push-ups and trying to pull himself forward when he's sitting up. He's really starting to use his voice and we can tell he's going to be a big talker as is common with the Hermann genes. We love having Romm around and we can't wait to see what he'll do next! Happy 3 months Mr. Romney!