My Miscarriage Story: The Passing Clouds of Grief

I love October! Despite the fact that I live in San Antonio, Texas, where fall is nowhere to be found, Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. This year, October has been especially good to us, because Jordan is FINALLY done with his last 8-week rotation at Ft. Hood; this is significant because Jordan has basically been away from us for 6 months, since the end of April. He started his 2nd year residency 8-week rotation at Ft. Hood back in April, then it was 8 weeks of night shift where he was practically a zombie and nonexistent, and now he's finished up the last 8 weeks at Ft. Hood again. This was certainly a trial for us, but we are so glad it's done! I am definitely grateful for October! 

There is a new reason why October has become so significant to me. October is infant and pregnancy loss awareness month, and I couldn't let this month go by without acknowledging our own loss. Back in June, when I was finishing up nursing school, I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. I didn't reach out to a lot of people because I didn't want anyone to know that we were trying to have a baby and logistically I knew that we could try again soon after the miscarriage, since it was confirmed it was not a molar pregnancy and I've never had a hard time getting pregnant. The timing of the miscarriage was especially cruel, as I miscarried the day after I presented my Miscarriage Nursing Capstone Project to a group of OBGYN doctors.  I didn't realize that the advice I was giving to those doctors, was the same advice I would be using for my own miscarriage, and that I would become part of the stories I had collected for my project. It was my last week of school and the next week Jordan had time off and we'd planned a mini stay-cation. For a while, I felt as though this loss wasn't just the loss of possibility and hope, but also the loss of my joy during what should have been a really happy time of Jordan being home, the accomplishment of completing my capstone project, and finishing school. While we continued on with our normal plans, everyday I was grieving about the miscarriage, and it cast a shadow on my life for a time. I wrote in my personal journal a few days after the miscarriage, "I am working so hard to be happy, but at the end of the day, for now, I'm still grieving. Maybe one day I'll look back and this week will mean nothing to me; not happy or sad, just forgotten, but right now it consumes me. I'll keep trying to be happy, but please don't judge me if the sadness leaks through. I can't help it and right now I don't want to. I just want to keep feeling these emotions until they pass through, like clouds darkening the sun. I know it's there, but for now all I see are clouds." 

At 7 weeks, I didn't expect the physical pain of miscarrying to be so severe. At first, the cramps felt like a period, but then the cramping turned into pain similar to contractions, and it really surprised me. I clung to the story of another woman who had gone through a miscarriage, as her doctor validated her feelings about the loss. He said, "It's ok to be sad. A baby is still your baby no matter how far along you are." Experiencing the loss of my pregnancy was a different kind of pain and emotion that is hard to describe. For me it wasn't so much of the physical loss that was hard, but the emotional loss. One woman who also shared her miscarriage story with me said, “it’s the loss of a child, a plan, a vision of the future.” I hadn't expected to get pregnant so quickly, and I hadn't expected my pregnancy to be over so soon.

Jordan and I are grateful to the people who comforted us during this time. If we didn't reach out to you, know that we are aware of your love as we went through this very personal experience. I am so grateful that Jordan was home during the beginning of my miscarriage. He had been gone so often, it really was a blessing that he happened to have time off right around then. 

We were lucky to get pregnant soon after the miscarriage and are grateful for our rainbow baby. While we feel happy and excited about this new baby, each week of my pregnancy I have carried a bit of anxiety on my shoulders. I've counted each week carefully. We made it to 6 weeks, then 7, and then we were past the time of my previous miscarriage. We made it to 8 weeks, when all of the major organs are developed, and then to 11 weeks, when I saw the heartbeat and my little bean for the first time; and now we've made it to 14 weeks, where the chances of miscarriage drop significantly. I am aware that despite the modern medical miracles science has brought to us, babies may still not survive through the pregnancy. I've known women who have delivered stillborns, women whose babies have had severe defects and only lived for a few hours or days. I have wept for those couples and women who have gone through such a loss. 

The amazing thing about pregnancy is the hope that each week brings. While there is a possibility that the outcome may be undesirable, I choose to "dwell in possibility" of hope and life. I cannot answer why these things happen, only that each person must go through their own trials and hardships. I can say that I have so much more empathy for the women and couples who have gone through pregnancy or infant loss. I can reach out and be a comforting hand during a time of grief and pain. I can open up and talk about my own loss and the pain I felt, and I can tell you that my pain was real. I can tell you that those dark clouds do pass, and you will see the sun again and feel it's warmth shine on your face. There may be days when clouds come again, but they won't be so threatening or they'll pass quickly. To all those women and couples who have or will go through miscarriage, I just want to say that I'm so sorry for your loss, it sucks, and I'm here for you.