Happy Valentine's Day! I love celebrating holidays. I love making memories, and giving gifts, and spending time with my family and loved ones. Valentine's Day is no exception for me and I've always tried to make it special for my family. Since Jordan works a 24 hour shift today, we're celebrating Valentine's Day tomorrow and are going to go out on a nice date. With a new baby coming, I'm taking every chance I can get to go out on dates with Jordan before date nights disappear for a while. I spent all day yesterday running errands in preparation for Valentine's Day. Even though Jordan is working, I still wanted today to be special for my kids. I normally get them a small balloon, a stuffed animal, and something they love. For Jordan, I made soft-baked gingersnap cookies that I had set out early this morning for him to find and take to work today. I also picked up some donuts and kolaches yesterday for my family to have for breakfast today. I had to hide those so no one would find them and ruin the surprise.
Well, I woke up early, just like I had planned to and set out a cute little note for Jordan and the kids, with a donut and kolache waiting for him to find and the cookies next to it. The note said: "Do-Nut" you know how much I love you? Since Jordan has to wake up so early, I went back to bed and decided to set up the kids' breakfast when they were awake. I got up again when my alarm clock went off. I knew the kids were already up because I had heard them. I realized their voices were coming from the kitchen though, and rushed down to find them already eating bowls of cereal. I had recently had a conversation with Olivia about taking on more responsibility in the mornings and had mentioned to her that she could get breakfast for herself and her brother as part of her morning routine. You'd think that I'd be happy to see her doing exactly what I had asked, but in a strange twist of irony, I was so disappointed that I didn't get to surprise them with donuts for breakfast. I was worried the donuts wouldn't last long since I had bought them the day before and was upset that my first plans for the day had been ruined.
Of course, Olivia didn't know about the surprise and I can't fault her for taking on more initiative and being helpful, but I couldn't help but be a bit upset about it. I grumpily pulled the donuts out and ate my donut, since I didn't want to risk a stale donut the next day, and then went upstairs and finished helping Olivia get ready. I always like to do her hair in a cute style for Valentine's and since the hairdo was a little more elaborate, it took a little more time. By the time I was done styling her hair, we were rapidly running out of time until I had to take Olivia to school. The whole time I had been doing Olivia's hair, I had been yelling at Romney to get dressed in his Valentine's outfit, but like any 3-year-old, he didn't listen. I became more frustrated as I tried to corral my kids out to the van, find Romm's missing shoe, and grab my own things in the process. I didn't get to take my picture-perfect photo of the kids all dressed up in their Valentine's shirts, with their hair done nice. I felt frantic and angry as we finally all got into the van to leave, and while I normally say a prayer every morning on our way to school, I could not bring myself to speak to God. I hardly spoke at all on the drive to school and sat silently stewing. I was trying my best to not be angry at the kids, and of course redirected the anger back onto myself, but I knew the kids could feel the tension in the air. I dropped Olivia off at school with hardly a word as she yelled "Happy Valentine's Day!," and then I drove off to the gym, thinking I could sweat out some of my frustration and anger.
I hadn't even gotten onto the main road when the tears started rolling down my cheeks and the sobs burst from my lips. My emotions were spilling out and I kept switching back and forth between feelings of anger and sadness. I was angry at myself for how I had reacted to the events of the morning. I had failed to acknowledge the good deeds of my daughter. I had lashed out at my son for losing his shoes and failing to be where I needed him to be. I felt like an utter failure as a mom. I was not as upset about my perfect Valentine's morning plans being ruined as I was about how I had reacted. I pulled into the gym parking lot and sat their and sobbed in my car, while Romney asked me repeatedly what was wrong. As the tears continued streaming down my face, the negative diatribe in my head continued, telling me what a bad mom I was. How could I have made such a big deal out of a little thing, essentially ruining everyone's morning? How could I have sent my daughter off to school without telling her I loved her?
The thought came into my mind that I needed to go back to her school and tell her that I love her. I was already at the gym. I could have gone in and waited until after my workout, but my mind firmly rebelled at this idea. I needed to go NOW. I needed to start repairing this day NOW. I drove back to her school and had the office call her out of class, claiming that I had forgotten to give her something. She came into the office and I gave her a hug and told her I loved her and hoped that she would have a good day. She smiled, gave Romm a hug too, and then we left as she went back to class. I was hopeful that I could still salvage the day, although I was still a little disappointed in how the morning had gone. I had worked so hard to prepare my surprise and I felt wretched that I had not communicated my feelings in a more loving way. I felt immensely better after I had gone back to Olivia's school. While I could accept that the morning did not go how I wanted and it was ok to be disappointed, I did not want Olivia to start her day off like that, with me in a bad mood and without any expression of love from me to get her through the day. Perhaps it was my guilty conscience that sent me back to her school, but I believe that it was the Spirit telling me what I needed to do in order to start making things right. I realize now, as I write this story down, that the breakfast didn't matter. I could give my kids donuts any day and they'd be happy, stale donuts or not. Frantic mornings can happen even when the best plans are laid out. The day is not lost and there is still time for more surprises and more opportunities to express my love today.
I feel that although I reacted poorly this morning, that God was preparing me for this small, seemingly meaningless trial. Last night I was reading a talk given by Elder D. Todd Christofferson, an apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints called "The Joy of the Saints." A couple of lines stood out to me, but now, after this morning, the message of those words have become more clear to me. "God sees things in their true perspective, and He shares that perspective with us through His commandments, effectively guiding us around the pitfalls and potholes of mortality toward eternal joy. The Prophet Joseph Smith explained: “When His commandments teach us, it is in view of eternity; for we are looked upon by God as though we were in eternity; God dwells in eternity, and does not view things as we do.” I believe God's perspective of my morning doesn't entail a perfect morning of gifts and Valentine's themed love notes, but a morning where I could learn how to love better. My ultimate desire is to be with my family forever and today I needed this lesson in love to help me get closer to that goal.
I'm not sure I'll ever be one of those people that can face a challenge or a disappointment and immediately shrug it off with a joyful attitude and a big smile on my face, but I can find the positive from a situation and find the joy as I work through my trials. Elder Christofferson also quotes President Russell M. Nelson who said, “As in all things, Jesus Christ is our ultimate exemplar, ‘who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross’ [Hebrews 12:2]. Think of that! In order for Him to endure the most excruciating experience ever endured on earth, our Savior focused on joy!...And what was the joy that was set before Him? Surely it included the joy of cleansing, healing, and strengthening us; the joy of paying for the sins of all who would repent; the joy of making it possible for you and me to return home—clean and worthy—to live with our Heavenly Parents and families.”
I know what happened to me this morning is minuscule compared to what other people have to go through on a daily basis, to what my Savior went through for me, but it brings me comfort knowing that Christ thinks I am someone worth saving, despite being someone who has barely made a blip on the world. The Savior suffered for me so that He would understand even the tiniest of trials that I went through, so that He could comfort me and guide me through those trials. It is through His enormous act of love that I am able to fulfill these small acts of love as I turn to my children and hug them and tell them I love them and as I humble myself to say "I am sorry, I will do better."
I'm not going to stop doing the "extra" things for holidays. It's who I am and I love doing it, but I will try to remember it's not those extra things or gifts that really matter. It is the pure expression of love that matters. It is in the "extra" things we do on a daily basis that are driven by love that matter. Do we go out of our way to hug each other, to serve each other, to care for one another? While holidays are a wonderful time to make memories and express our love for one another, I don't think I'm going to remember the festivities of this holiday, as much as what I'll remember of what I learned today about how to love better. If there is one thing I hope, it is that each day, my family feels of my love for them through my actions. I don't need a holiday to say "I love you." I just need to stay focused on what really matters, try my hardest, and let God make up my shortcomings.
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